ALRIGHT! I ate twice already and I am about to work out. YAY! I am feeling so much better than yesterday.  I don’t ever eat badly, its just that I don’t eat the right portions or often enough. Today I am doing great and I am going to work out hard core. Insanity here I come!

HORRIBLE DAY! Didnt eat as much as I should’ve and then ate way too much dinner. I am not working out. Fuck it. I am defeated today.  Tomorrow is a new day…thank God.

Did my workout early this morning and it waws good.  It felt good to get it done before the day started instead of at the end.  Having lots of trouble eating every two hrs, but I am hoping that this schedule will help me out.  This evening I went for a walk with the stroller and it felt really good to have done two things instead of one.  I am hoping that I can get my eating on track tomorrow.  We shall see…

Today was a weird day.  I ate a healthy breakfast but never really felt hungry after that and didn’t eat anything else until dinner.  That was not a good descision, because I am sure my metabolism was crap, but whatever. It was one of those days.  Then, for dinner, I made chicken &vegetables, but they were in this sauce that was milk based, and I don’t think it was really on my diet.  I felt guilty eating it, so I didn’t eat very much.  Did my workout and now here I am.  I am feeling like I should workout again, but I don’t want to burn myself out.  I will probably try and do something in the morning instead.

Weighed in today and I lost 3 more lbs, for a total of 10 lbs (Weight - 185, 35 lbs to lose). But I am not happy. I am not patient and I want faster results!  I am eating a very strict diet, exercising about 5 days a week and I want my weight gone now!  I feel like I am working too hard to have it go this slowly.  I think I need to step up my game.  Have any suggestions?  Maybe I should start working out 2x a day, 5 days a week. What do you think? 

ANother thing, I am dying to go out to dinner.  I am very tired today, and the thought of being waited on sounds AMAZING! I have the girls, and I have a feeling it might be more stress than relief, but I still want to…  I don’t know if I would be able to stay on the diet though…No, thats not true, I am very diciplined I would totally order a salad.

Maybe we will go to dinner and then I will take the girls to the beach and go for a run with them in the stroller….hmmmmm.

9pm went to dinner, it was awesome. I had grilled fish and substituted both of my sides for steamed broccoli and grilled asparagus.  It was yummy.  I am not going to lie, the grilled fish had a small amount (2 tbsp) of white cheese sauce on top, but I took it as a little treat. The girls were very well behaved and we sat outside so that helped me not feel too uptight about anything.  By the time we were done with dinner it was bed time for the girls so we came back to the house.  I got dressed in my work out outfit and picked up the garage and then, instead of doing Insanity, I did a run split up by push-ups, sit-ups and squats.  The reason being, my husband accidently took the ideo I was supposed to do tonight, it was in his laptop. :(  But I feel the work out I did was enough. I was sweating my ass off when I was done.

tonight was my night off thank goodness, I needed it.  I am so tired. I only have 1 follower and that is ok, I am tired and I am taking the night off. Goodnight.

I just saw a picture of a girl that was pregnant at the same time as I was, who had her baby a couple months after I did and she looks AMAZING! Like she never had a baby. She is beautiful and thin.  So basically she has had less time to get back into shape and she is done. I am no where close. Makes me wonder, what the hell did I do wrong. Yeah, I didn’t eat everything I was supposed or NOT supposed to, but did I really eat THAT badly?  I feel that it isn’t fair. And as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I feel guilty for not being happy for her and feel dumb because I am working on it.  Its a roller coaster guys, you have your ups and downs.  I guess my excuse can be that I had 2 babies back to back with basically no time inbetween, but then am I cheating myself out of some really good motivation? Or am I saving myself from some depressed feeling that will make me want to quit?

…for today at least. I did my freakin Insanity video, I showered, and now I am in bed. “Pure Cardio” can kiss my pure cellulite ass. Good night.

Btw, I am hoping to have videos soon.  I just haven’t had the time.  Then you can watch me transform into a supermodel!!!! Yay for everyone!

7:20pm I have just put the girls down for the night and before I came back downstairs I put on my workout clothes. It helps if I am all ready to work out because it makes it harder for me to decide not to do it I’m already dressed, might as well do it. But as always I am dreading the workout. The Workout = makes me feel awesome when I am done, and is going to make me look awesome when I am done. So why does my brain tell me its the devil and I shouldn’t do it? I’m so CONFUSED!!!! 

Before I started this whole endeavor, I would look in the mirror naked and would hate what I saw. I would look at every part I hated and criticize it.  Now, that I am working (really hard) to make it better, I look in the mirror and am proud of what I see. I basically look the same after only 2 weeks, but at least I am doing SOMETHING to make it better.  Sitting there and criticizing myself never worked.  I am also proud to say that I quit smoking and drinking my daily glass of wine.  I still have an occasional drink, but I felt that if I was going to do this, I should do it right.  I don’t plan on picking either one of those bad habits back up when I am through losing my weight.  I consider those part of the weight that I have lost.

My food for the day:

freggy (fruit & veggie) smoothie

Coffee sweetened with Slenda

chicken salad with carb free dressing

Baked chicken breast (cut into strips before baking so serving size would be smaller) with asparagus

I feel pretty good about what I ate, because it was all on the diet, but I don’t think I ate enough.  I am still trying so hard to eat every 2 hrs…we shall see.

9:40pm I tried so hard. I did my best! I did my best!  My body wouldn’t not do what I was telling it to do.  My body is so tired and warn out, I wasn’t able to complete my video for today.  I think I am going to go for a run instead. I will just do some cardio without all the strength. I don’t want to mess up the last 2 weeks by not doing a workout at all, but I feel that my body needs a break.  I think this might have something to do with not eating enough today.  I will do better tomorrow…I HAVE to do better tomorrow, this is unacceptable. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

10pm My run was amazing! I feel so much better. It was POURING rain, so it was kinda hard to see where I was going so it was only 20 minutes, but it was an awesome run.  I am going to take a shower and go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am so worn out from all of this.  I hope my body never catches up and I keep losing weight. I HAVE to do Insanity tomorrow, don’t let me fail!!!!

Very sore today for some reason. Maybe its because I am doing a workout that is literally trying to kill me. idk.  I am trying so hard to eat something small every 2 hrs to keep my motabolism up, but its so hard to eat when you aren’t hungry, especially when what you are eating is just as bland as paper.  All I can say is, THANK GOODNESS I don’t have a sweet tooth because then things could get sticky.

Healthy food - Food that is odorless, tasteless, and usually in some shade of green.  Can often resemble what you had for dinner, but not until the morning after. Not at all appetizing no matter what you tell yourself.